On June 14, 2006 my whole world changed.

It is the day that my baby died.

Nothing prepares you for the loss of your child. What I thought I wanted in my life no longer meant anything to me, how I thought my world would unfold was no longer accurate and what I felt I knew to be true was no longer relevant.

As I walked through the grief and the void that is created when you lose someone, I learned a lot about myself, what I truly wanted and what living fully actually meant.
I want to share with you what I learned:

Life is now.

Stop waiting.

Your life is happening right now and while you have all of these dreams, desires and goals only some of them are being focused on and getting done. The others are in the “someday” file waiting for the perfect time or whatever you’ve convinced yourself of as a good enough reason to wait.

You don’t actually know how much time you will have to live this life of yours. You also don’t know what might happen next in your life to change everything. The only time you know you have is right now. Are you using it to create more of what you want?

When my baby died, I made a decision as I held her lifeless body, to live as fully as I could each day. I committed to only doing things that mattered to me, to take the leap of faith on a new project, to step outside my comfort zone and to go after what I wanted most.

I promised to make my dreams a reality now and not wait anymore.

I had to decide that this devastating loss wouldn’t stop me but it would propel me forward and that I would live as fully as I could.

I made the promise to honor her short life by continuing to live.

So, stop waiting because life isn’t waiting for you. Start doing it. Take action towards what you want. Be brave and go for it.

You have to choose how you will live right now.

You have to decide how much the past will impact you and what you choose to do right now is what shapes your future.

Your life is happening NOW.

If you have experienced a loss, know that while the way may not seem clear, you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. They didn’t die so you wouldn’t live.

Your life will be totally different now but it needs to continue on.

JOY is chosen

It took the experience of deep grief and sorrow to understand what joy feels like.

I took advantage of joy before.

I didn’t relish in it like I should have.

I didn’t realize that it could be fleeting.

I didn’t seek it out.

I also didn’t understand what deep grief meant. I didn’t understand how consuming it was and I didn’t understand that it was a different experience for each person and that it knew no timeline or specific way to experience it. I also didn’t know that it never truly goes away.

I didn’t know sorrow until that day my baby died over 13 years ago and the days that followed. And in the depths of my despair, I began to understand joy.

Now…

I appreciate joy more.

I see it more.

I focus on it when it arrives.

And, I strive to create it.

Joy in my life is easier to come by now too because I choose it.

Joy can be found in small and big ways. You get to choose it. Joy is available in every moment.

Living is putting one foot in front of the other.

I made a commitment on the day my baby died that I would keep consciously choosing to live each day.

In the days and months after she died, I knew that my life could spiral into something even more unrecognizable if I didn’t have a purpose and a focus for each day. I knew that the void would consume me if I let it. So, I made a conscious choice not to let it in any further.

The day after she died, I woke up and I put on makeup and did my hair. Not because I felt like it but because I knew I needed to choose to live and that was part of living for me. The next thing I had to do that day was telling my 7-year old daughter that her baby sister had died. I remember every detail of that morning but the rest of the day is a blur.

Choosing to live and to keep moving forward saved me in my journey of grief.

It kept my head above water and out of the depths of despair and the shackles of grief.

I knew that I needed to lead my daughter and my family through this experience and it was that focus that kept me making choices daily to find a way to move through this. It kept me putting one foot in front of the other.

Life was going to happen one way or another but I needed to decide how I would walk through the grief, the void and create meaning once again.

The gap created by the loss doesn’t get filled

There is not enough time, there is not enough experiences and there is no one that will fill the gap created by your loss.

I’ve had two beautiful daughters since my baby died and neither one of them replaced her or filled the gap. They made my life better and more amazing but another doesn’t fill that gap.

It is something that is now a part of you. It becomes the scar on your heart that you will carry forever.

I carry that scar and that pain on a daily basis. It’s not as intense now and I choose to use it to drive me forward to fulfill my purpose. That pain has shown me what I’m capable of.

Time doesn’t heal the wound, it just changes the way you live with it.

Only focus on what matters most

As I journeyed through the days after my baby’s death, I realized that all of the trivial stuff in life didn’t need my attention anymore and didn’t deserve my time, energy or effort.

I didn’t worry about that stuff anymore; I didn’t “sweat the small stuff” because I’d been through something so big. And even over 13 years later, I still don’t get caught up in the small stuff. It drains you of your energy and life is too precious to let it.

This experience gave me perspective of what matters most and what will garner my attention, my focus and my energy on a daily basis.

If it can be simple, keep it simple.

Don’t make it more than it is.

Ignore the crap and carry on.

You have better stuff to do with your time.

Focus on what matters most to you. Let the rest of it go.

The importance of living a meaningful life

Even in the depths of my despair, I knew I had to…

Rise.

Live to honor her.

Create meaning again.

Ultimately, you have to continue to choose to live. And meaning comes through movement. Even the smallest step counts in creating meaning again.

You only have one chance at this thing called life.

This is it (in this lifetime at least).

I had a hardcore awakening at 29 years old when my baby died about the meaning of life and what we are here for.

I got reminded again in 2015 when I got very sick and my quality of life rapidly dissipated. This propelled me to share my story, to encourage others to live fully and to go after my biggest dreams, desires and goals.

My work focuses on helping you increase your personal energy so that you can create more of what you truly want in your life through my online programs, I am sharing powerful messages weekly in my podcast and I published my first book sharing my story, When the Meaning is Lost in 2018.

I get to choose how I live this life. I get to choose how my past impacts what I do now and what I want to create.

There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. And “failures” and hard experiences are just part of the journey. They aren’t a setback, they are meant to redirect you.

My baby dying made my life more meaningful. It took me a long time to admit that and to say it out loud.

She changed me in a way that wouldn’t have happened if she had lived. She is one of my greatest gifts.
Because of her, I choose to live my life as fully as I could and I encourage you to do the same.

No matter your circumstances, you have one chance to live fully and create meaning. Are you doing it?

~ Jill

You can order When the Meaning is Lost from Amazon to read more about my story.